100 Things About Me

I saw this on someone else’s blog (I wish I could give credit but I read so many blogs that I can’t remember which one) and thought it was a great idea.  I am in the midst of a mid-life crisis at the moment, trying to figure out who I am, not just what I do.  So, I thought to myself, perhaps doing this little exercise might help me sort some of this out.  My very dear friend and therapist, Neil, does this incredibly annoying thing in which he asks me over and over, “Who are you?”  I never know what to bloody say and always end up frustrated with nasty words spinning around in my head.  Well, actually sometimes they slip out of my mouth too but Neil forgives me – or at least I hope he does!

So this may be more or less than 100 things, but it will always be a work in progress – so come back from time to time to see what I am learning about myself.

1. Who am I?  I just don’t know.
2. I am more confused about who I am now than I used to be, only because I studiously avoided thinking about it before.
3. I have no siblings and so things with my parents were (and are) really intense.
4. I come from a crazy family.  I can probably count the sane family members on one hand – that is on both sides!  (Shout outs to Dana and Diane and Julie and Gill – the most sane of the entire lot!)
5. Before he passed away almost three years ago, I learned to forgive my father for a whole whack of things and learned to love him just for who he was.
6. I am and always will be intensely grateful for #5.
7. Not there yet with my mother, but I hope I can be there before she passes away.
8. I am creative – I write pretty well, take some fairly decent photographs, and paint quite badly.  Oh, and my singing, as much as I love doing it, turns the listener into a rage filled kraken.
9. Best thing I ever did in my life was to give birth to my daughter and raise her the very best way I knew how.  I made lots of mistakes, most of which I didn’t realize were mistakes at the time, but still I was a mindful parent and tried to do what was best for her.
10. The second best thing I ever did in my life was to pick my wonderful husband Nick.  He is so much better than me in so many ways – there are some real lessons I can learn from him – patience probably being the first one.  He rarely bitches or complains whereas I seem to do it all the time.
11. Related to #10 – as in things to learn, I tend to see myself as a victim.  I just realized yesterday that I do this to get attention, but hadn’t figured out a way to get positive attention.  So, today I am going off to my favourite coffee shop to see if they will host a show of my photographs.
12. I waaaaaaay over-think things.  In fact, this list is a perfect example of that.
13. My friend Neil uses the metaphor of the diamond to describe what makes a person.  The diamond is multi-facetted as are we.  I am not just one thing – I have so many facets that I don’t know if I can ever know what they all are!
14. I am the mother of a 20 year old and I still have trouble letting her go and do her own adult thing and not constantly worrying about her.
15. I have learned the following things from taking care of my elderly mother:  No resentment is worth hanging on to; life actually is pretty good, if I choose to see the good bits; what I used to view as people doing things “to me” was incorrect. People do things, even cruel or unkind things, out of their own motivations, history or pain. I have very little to do with it – I just happen to be in the way; just because I feel something uncomfortable, I don’t need to act on it. Guilt, anger, sorrow are just feelings that will pass;  I don’t need to act on other people’s expectations of me.

 More to come!